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After that Nekhludoff did not see Katusha for more than threeyears. When he saw her again he had just been promoted to therank of officer and was going to join his regiment. On the way hecame to spend a few days with his aunts, being now a verydifferent young man from the one who had spent the summer withthem three years before. He then had been an honest, unselfishlad, ready to sacrifice himself for any good cause; now he wasdepraved and selfish, and thought only of his own enjoyment. ThenGod's world seemed a mystery which he tried enthusiastically andjoyfully to solve; now everything in life seemed clear andsimple, defined by the conditions of the life he was leading.Then he had felt the importance of, and had need of intercoursewith, nature, and with those who had lived and thought and feltbefore him,philosophers and poets. What he now considerednecessary and important were human institutions and intercoursewith his comrades. Then women seemed mysterious andcharming,charming by the very mystery that enveloped them; nowthe purpose of women, all women except those of his own familyand the wives of his friends, was a very definite one: women werethe best means towards an already experienced enjoyment. Thenmoney was not needed, and he did not require even one-third ofwhat his mother allowed him; but now this allowance of 1,500roubles a month did not suffice, and he had already had someunpleasant talks about it with his mother.

Then he had looked on his spirit as the I; now it was his healthystrong animal I that he looked upon as himself.

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And all this terrible change had come about because he had ceasedto believe himself and had taken to believing others. This he haddone because it was too difficult to live believing one's self;believing one's self, one had to decide every question not infavour of one's own animal life, which is always seeking for easygratifications, but almost in every case against it. Believingothers there was nothing to decide; everything had been decidedalready, and decided always in favour of the animal I and againstthe spiritual. Nor was this all. Believing in his own self he wasalways exposing himself to the censure of those around him;believing others he had their approval. So, when Nekhludoff hadtalked of the serious matters of life, of God, truth, riches, andpoverty, all round him thought it out of place and even ratherfunny, and his mother and aunts called him, with kindly irony,notre cher philosophe. But when he read novels, told improperanecdotes, went to see funny vaudevilles in the French theatreand gaily repeated the jokes, everybody admired and encouragedhim. When he considered it right to limit his needs, wore an oldovercoat, took no wine, everybody thought it strange and lookedupon it as a kind of showing off; but when he spent large sums onhunting, or on furnishing a peculiar and luxurious study forhimself, everybody admired his taste and gave him expensivepresents to encourage his hobby. While he kept pure and meant toremain so till he married his friends prayed for his health, andeven his mother was not grieved but rather pleased when she foundout that he had become a real man and had gained over some Frenchwoman from his friend. (As to the episode with Katusha, theprincess could not without horror think that he might possiblyhave married her.) In the same way, when Nekhludoff came of age,and gave the small estate he had inherited from his father to thepeasants because he considered the holding of private property inland wrong, this step filled his mother and relations with dismayand served as an excuse for making fun of him to all hisrelatives. He was continually told that these peasants, afterthey had received the land, got no richer, but, on the contrary,poorer, having opened three public-houses and left off doing anywork. But when Nekhludoff entered the Guards and spent andgambled away so much with his aristocratic companions that ElenaIvanovna, his mother, had to draw on her capital, she was hardlypained, considering it quite natural and even good that wild oatsshould be sown at an early age and in good company, as her sonwas doing. At first Nekhludoff struggled, but all that he hadconsidered good while he had faith in himself was considered badby others, and what he had considered evil was looked upon asgood by those among whom he lived, and the struggle grew toohard. And at last Nekhludoff gave in, i.e., left off believinghimself and began believing others. At first this giving up offaith in himself was unpleasant, but it did not long continue tobe so. At that time he acquired the habit of smoking, anddrinking wine, and soon got over this unpleasant feeling and evenfelt great relief.

Nekhludoff, with his passionate nature, gave himself thoroughlyto the new way of life so approved of by all those around, and heentirely stifled the inner voice which demanded somethingdifferent. This began after he moved to St. Petersburg, andreached its highest point when he entered the army.

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